24/02/10 || a taste of the give up
Today. Last night I made the decision at the last minute to not go to school. And I was adamant about it. But this morning after an excruciatingly restless night, I decided that I would give school a try. I called my lovely mama Caitlin and she said she’d spare me the walk to the doom dungeon and scoop me. She told me to meet her at the Starbucks, which is where she usually gets me when she does me this favor, as she’s done before. “I’m leaving in five minutes and it takes me five to get there. See you soon little Kimy!” She’s adorable. I had ten minutes to pull my lie together on account of being so fucking down that I couldnt get out of bed earlier. I gathered the essentials: a small purse with cigarettes, lip stuff, and an empty wallent inside, a five subject notebook that contained my future and ramblings and shards of art, and a coat I could live inside if i chose to. I messed up my hair and left. Music fueling very step, I made my way about a block away to meet my Caitlin. I waited for a little bit, contemplating smoking a cigarette, reluctant because I didnt want her mom to peep me in action (she couldnt have the car this morning.) As I waited, I felt like an asshole for wearing the puffy jacket I dared to sport; I was hot in it and i felt foolish for underestimating the sun. What was I supposed to think?! The weather’s been shit with a capital S…Finally, her mother’s wheels came into view and that was all because I was fixated on the cracks in the ancient concrete. I looked up. “GOODMORNING!” Yeah, yeah; it was alright I suppose. I accompanied her as she bought her jump start and a bagel, warm, buttered, and comfortable that it contributed to someones morning…and weight gain. [Fuck bread and the likes. It all angers me. I wish bread was an empty food.] We mosied back to car, my lack of sleep dragging me further down with each one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. I did NOT want to arrive at this brick prison but soon, we made it. I went inside and had a rather pleasant first period: Pop Culture/20th Century History. His story, her story. Anyway, when it was over and the persistant bell rang, I felt accomplished and well. Walked down a flight of stairs, descended to my next jail cell. My teacher left about a week ago, and since there has been no one to cover. But today there was a sub. Mr. Simeon. I have had this man pop in and out of my life since first. He is very black and very short. Well, not that short. But shorter than me, as most people are. His accent is heavy and thick with some foreign place I cannot name. I signed my name on a sheet of blank notebook paper, guaranteeing my attendance, and the second he looked down at his desk, I jetted. Out, out, out the door. I walked with Corinne, who also snuck out at my request; she became a victim of my oozing persuasion. YEAH RIGHT. We walked to QuickChek and I rewarded my sleepless night with a large coffee, blackened with potential energies. I said my goodbyes and my youre adorables to Corinne and made my way to the main vein of my decaying town. There, I waited for the bus. Fast forward and I am at the mall-the next bus I need to take isnt coming for…just about 45 minutes. I make my way into the mall and relieve my bladder of the caffeinated elixir. After, I roamed and my feet led me to Sephora. I shoplifted two tubes of designer mascara and left. Back at the stop, I made my lashes even fatter, applying the goop to my already madeup eyes and waited. And waited. And smoked a cigarette. And waited. The bus came early and I got on it. Gave the driver a bus pass I knew wouldnt cover my trip. I feigned ignorance and found a seat. My trip was relaxing; I listened to Lil Wayne, my not-so-secret guilty pleasure (Emmy Wes..where are you? I AM DRAKE.) Once I got to where I need to be, I got off and walked to a deli. I always go there and its only for two reasons: to use the bathroom or to get my coffee fix; it is unexpectedly good. Today, I just needed to empty my tank. The funny/strange/inexplicable thing about this particular deli is that it is, in my mind, famous for its different hues of toilet paper. I shit you not. The last time I went, the tissue was blue. [!!!!!!!] This time around, it was green! It made me happy inside and out, the warmth of the feeling blanketing me. Its these simple things that aid me in making mediocre spans of twenty four hours a little more bearable. I walked down Hopper, a funny street with funny name. Funny because there are quiet houses with no signs of movement inside and you know there are people inside but they are either watching mindless programming or having sex on the floor. Or maybe the basement, where they can keep their shameful secrets hidden, off the first and second and sometimes third floors. Ill make my point: it is funny because the are wasting time refusing to be human. Refusing to breathe the air outside, not taking time to stretch their legs on plush grass, turning up their noses to the smell of the outdoors. The out of doors. And its funny (to me) because anything that strays from my bizzare way of thinking is just..otherworldy and I can do nothing but laugh and feel sorry. And laughing is a common symptom of humor so…
I got wayyyyy to lost with that one.
Moving on. I am making my way down the street and there are no sidewalks. All of a goddamn sudden, the BloodMobile pulls up. For those of you who arent aware, the BloodMobile is my lovely boyfriends set of wheels. It is the color of wine. INSIDE AND OUT. Haha! I got in and thanked God I didnt have to trek any longer, although I enjoyed it while it lasted. Corey was clad in a striped shirt and sweats. Wonderful Wednesday Morning attire, I was sure. We drove and I talked of my morning and told him how much I enjoy my first of the day. We got to the house and someone came to see him. Ill spare details because although he is a big part of it, it is not my life to share. And that’s that. I waited in the wine cooler for about twenty minutes, drawing all over Cor’s pack of cigarettes. I transformed it into a masterful piece of art. He came soon after to retrieve my being. We let ourselves into his quaint abode. I peed once fucking more because coffee wreaks havoc on my bladder. I sat at the computer to check my goshforsaken Facebook. It was stagnent, the same way I left it late last night. With the exception of a handful of notifications. I altered my quotes section and logged out. Thats when I decided, as Corey undressed to shower, that I would blog my day to that moment. And here I am and happen to be.
As for an explanation of the title, today is only a taste of giving up because, yes, I couldnt handle school on this given day but I did something else that I put will into. Which is being in good company (Jason arrived a few minutes ago). Therefore, I only took a glimpse at surrender, falling slightly at the sight of responsibilty of the educational variety. And that small taste was bad but I washed it out with liquid rainbows and todays clouds. It is wet and beautiful out, though I could see it as something terrible. But I will not be a victim of negative thinking today.
I think I am done now..