Happy Valentines Day to all. Today was a decent day. I saw my lovely boyfriend and a lot of my rehab friends, namely Jason, Angelo, Taylor, and John. One day soon, Ill post pictures of my rehab family. They are the best people Ive ever met. We all went to Angelos house and watched The Breakfast Club because we are nerds. Corey and I were the only couple there so it was one of those situations you couldnt really get “comfortable” in. In THAT way, you know? Anyway, before this mellow afternoon/evening took place, there was havoc being wreaked within the walls that contain members of my kin. I cant describe these events in detail, or at all, because it kind of hurts, even now at 10:41 pm. It isnt late. But I feel as though its way past my bedtime. My body is tired and dragging and Im not sure I want to deal with the rest of the night.

What exactly is a family? A group of people who share bloodlines and ancestors. People destined to never get along because they realize at some point that theyre stuck with these other people. These people that have promised theyll be there through any and everything. BULLSHIT. Ive never felt so fucking alone. Maybe I put too much responsibilty on Corey, but he is seriously the only one that keep me grounded and sane. Thank all that is holy.

“Some days are harder than others.” Thanks for sharing Mom.

I am broken down. And the worst part is I have no will or intention of rising from the ashes.

Also-John (the John is the mothers husband. Do not try to correct me by saying stepdad. Nosiree.) came into my room not too long ago and gave me a one pound bag of 97% fat free beef jerky. AMAZING. But every couple of bits, i get that pepper chunk that turns me off halfway. The fat free part got me excited because of my constant body crisis. YESSSS. As a sort or sidenote, I rediscovered my love for apple juice today. I informed my boyfriend of this and he simply stated that he told me so; he always tries to get me to drink it but I always decline because in my head I dont like it. I was a fiend for the stuff way back when Pluto was a planet, but i think I abused it, you know? So i havent drank it in a long, long while. Well, today, there was nothing in my fridge but OJ and this apple elixir. I do not like OJ..unless its the extreme pulp kind. Do not judge me. I ended pouring a glass of apple juice and dropping and ice cube in it; it landed with a loud, refreshing-sounding plop. I took a sip and that was it. I killed half a bottle. HOLY SHIT. It was amazing. Drank that sweet, cold goodness all the way down.

My mother is frustrated and is now banging pots and pans and muttering under her breath. I shouldve taken this to my room but wanted the company of my dining room table. She is beautiful and I love her more than I want to live. But I cant live here anymore, I cant stay. I have caused a lot of damage and I cant bear to be the cause of tension, which is present but no one calls it out.

I think that I am done now but I think, deep down, I will return sometime tonight. I feel like I have way more to say but not the words to verbalize it. And this is where I say

THE END

My head is heavy and I smell of sex. Went into orange. Cab status. Yorec and A-Lo, thank you.

As I was in the trance that is otherwise named as the “heat of the moment,” I kicked off my shoes and stated “aren’t shoes weird, babe? Theyre two coverings, two little houses for two body parts that don’t even matter!” He laughed, Corey laughed, and kissed my neck. I soon lost my question between the meeting of my thighs. But now, sitting on my bed, 11:31, it has come back up. Shoes are weird. I wouldn’t dare say they’re weirder than me; I wouldn’t imagine that they were..it’s just something to think about..

Only five people know how my Saturdays unfold. There is a ringing in my ears. I’m done hahah goodnight world.

I am crazy. A nut. And I am unapologetic. It came to me, in this late night that I am a little tweaked in the head.

I have an unbelievable past that resulted in these mental disturbances. What yielded from all the bullshit was this human being, this person who insists on breathing colors in and hears, only music, so clearly that she is forced to make love to it with her lips; she projects her voice like light through fog. It gets lost but she does it anyway because one day, someone will tell her to shut up and she won’t mind because it meant someone was listening..

There are people talking and laughing and balancing on their STILTlettos outside my window. I feel as though the alcohol on their breath will seep in through a hairthin crack between the sill and the window. This rattles me somewhere real deep inside.

Anyway. I am me, flaws, bullshit, you name it. Would I change a thing? HA! No, sir, thank you.

The inventor of frisbees died today.

I woke up today from roughly three hours of sleep and discovered, almost instantly, that I was covered with blue and aquamarine glitter. WTF?! I don’t have glitter in my residence..at all. I told my lively friend Halle of this fact. She said there was something significant about people and glitter but age couldn’t recall exactly what. Then she suggested that maybe I lived a double life. Maybe I went to a rave. But I disagreed, stating what was true-my eyes were only closed for but a moment! She then made a tooth fairy reference, which two other people throughout my day also made. “I haven’t lost any teeth Halle.” And I smiled, proving fact all the while.

I like that I do not know how this happened. Why this happened. It’s a thought that’s been swirling in my head all damn day. Like clothes in a washing machine. The possibilites were all suds in there. Thinking about kept my mind busy; this left me no time to dwell on the negative. And I liked that. Usually I have no problem sitting neck deep in my own shit. I am the most comfortable when I am so low that my ass grinds into the rocky bottom. But focusing on this puzzling mystery kept every fell of me moving, propelling my mindset into a distant reality. Something no one could imagine but me. It may seem simple but even now my head is spilling over with possible stories. Maybe I do live a double life. And maybe the life I live when I’m awake found out about it. Like a woman who comes home early only to find her husband in bed with a ladytramp. It’s like all my itty bitty suspiscions were confirmed. I always wanted to fool myself into thinking that there was more to me than what people took at face value. I wanted to believe that so badly. And somehow, that weak need has been fulfilled. It’s not a huge life goal but now I know maybe there’s a little something lurking behind my own shadow. There’s a lot more blue at the bottom of my ocean. And I’m quite certain that there is more glitter where that all came from. Amen.

It is 12:34. Make a wish, dammit.

It is morning. I am up. Before the sun. Holy shit.
“I am
Wired like a fucking sound board. No lie. It’s crazy. My eyes are wide like a size fourteen. My bloods shakin..like boots. My brains whirrin like gears. Hello hello hello sun. WHICH ISNT EVEN UP YET!”
Exact words to Corey (amazing boyfriend lover) this morning. I only mention this because there really isn’t another way to describe how awake I am right now. Like..it’s stupid how up up up I am. And I feel like it has heightened my awareness which is a scary thing because I am an extremely observant person already. It’s like nothings hiding from me right now and I am so scared of what could possibly be exposed. It’s like shining a flashlight in the middle of the woods at night: you get that feeling in your gut that you’re gonna land your light on a blood thirtsy murderer that happens to be behind a tree and then it’s all over. I hope everyone gets what I’m trying to say. Because honestly, I am so “!!!!” that I’m doubting my ability to sound cohesive..oh Lord almighty.

Today should be an easy day; yesterday and the day before were snowdays and today is Friday so school shouldnt be horrible. It’ll be bearable, I suppose. What I really want to do is read House of Sand and Fog. I’m reading it for English 12 but I can’t ever put the book down during school. For anyone that hasn’t read it, YOU BETTER. Besides it being a great story, it has this racial-issues-and-prejudice undertone that sporadically jumps out throughout the book. It’s awesome. I haven’t finished it, but halfway through isn’t bad for someone who hasn’t done shit this year. I wanna devour those pages today. So amazing.

I could really for a cold beer. It’s 6:31am.